You're Not Alone
by popdiva24
Summary: After being forced to watch other families spend time with their fathers on Father's Day, Eric Cartman decides to take matters into his own hands by tricking a famous celebrity into becoming his father so that he can have all the stuff that he's ever wanted. One question: Can he do it, or will Kyle somehow manage to foil his plans yet again? Read and find out...


**Southpark Fanfic: You're Not Alone**

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Hey all you fellow Kyman lovers! Thanks for taking interest in this story. This is my first time posting in the Southpark section; I just couldn't resist writing this story between Cartman & Kyle since it's so funny watching these two interact with one another. As they say, opposites attract…or not. Anyways, that being said, this will just be a friendship fic between the two characters. Or a frenemies story…or whatever you want to call it. Any hints that you find to there being a little more to their relationship, well, that's for you to decide.

Also, I feel it's my responsibility to tell you guys: please don't sue! I am definitely not making any money off of this, and the words in this fic do not reflect my beliefs in any way. South Park is an offensive show so naturally, this fic may push a few buttons here and there, but I don't think I need to tell you guys that since you're reading fics in this section. Lastly, all rights are reserved for Matt Stone & Trey Parker so if you've got a beef with the show, make sure to take it up with them who, by the way, have WAY more cash.

Anyways, without further ado, I present to you the fic, "You're Not Alone".

* * *

"…yle…"

"…Kyle…"

"…rise and shine, Bubbala or you'll be late for school." His mother's voice called from the doorway.

Opening his eyes slightly, the red head groaned and pulled his blanket over his face when the lights from his room hit his eyes.

"Few more minutes, mom…" he replied tiredly from under the covers. He heard his mother's footsteps stop near his bed.

"Kyle, you can't stay in bed forever. Think about what you'll be missing in those few minutes. A fine education, a chance to socialize with friends, and if you don't hurry now mister, you'll miss the bus and your father will have to take you to school and your father's a very busy man. Need I remind you of his mood the last time he was late to work to take you to school, right?"

How could he forget? His dad wouldn't stop lecturing him about how disappointed he was that he wouldn't be able to pick up as many clients since Kyle had suddenly started picking up bad habits from the so-called friends he hangs around. He didn't even give Kyle a chance to defend himself because his father would hear nothing of it.

No doubt he was put up to it by Kyle's mother, but Kyle would never say that out loud. He was sure his mother would kill him.

The sad part about his mother's constant nagging was that in all the time that he had been in elementary school, Kyle had only been tardy three times. The first time was when that douche Al Gore got him and his friends lost trying to find some nonexistent ManBearPig just so that he could gain publicity. The second time was when Kyle had been deathly ill and needed a kidney transplant from the one person who was ironically the only one who matched his AB blood type, Eric Cartman.

And the third time didn't really count because Cartman had him on the phone looking up information all day about some Muslim kid named Bahir, and with his super best friend, Stan, along with multiple government agents in the room, it was like Kyle had never really missed school to begin with since he had to deal with all the same crap and still had to do homework on top of that.

However, since those times, he has always maintained perfect attendance. Yet, his mother never ceased to bring up those times no matter how many times he reminded her that they weren't even his fault. For real, it wasn't like he played hooky from school or anything.

"Okay, okay, mom…I'm getting up!" Kyle answered with a defeated sigh. He sat up in his bed and looked over at his alarm clock. 6:30 a.m. His mom got him up a half an hour before his alarm was set to go off. Again. Why he even bothers to set his alarm clock every night, he'll never understand.

Ever since his mother caught wind of the exams that every student at Southpark Elementary would be taking in a couple of weeks, his mother took it upon herself to wake him up extra early to prepare him so that he wouldn't oversleep when exam time rolled around. His mother took her children's grades very seriously and didn't want to risk any slipup that would impede his chance at getting into Harvard and becoming a successful attorney like his father.

His mother nodded. "That's a good bubbe. And remember what mommy always tells you before you leave the house?"

"Yeah, yeah, 'get straight A's or don't come back.' Mom, I've got it. I promise that I won't slack off at school." He responded, getting up from his bed and heading down the stairs for breakfast.

Upon arriving at the kitchen, he saw Ike pouring himself a bowl of cheerios.

"Hey Ike. She wake you up early too?" Kyle greeted with a yawn.

"Yep." Ike replied shortly, not bothering to cast a glance in his direction. The younger boy was still in his pjs like Kyle and looked like he had just come from being forced to clean the boy's bathroom on Meatloaf Tuesday. His dark hair was a mess, his eyes were listless, he had dark circles underneath his eyes, and his shoulders were hunched over like a zombie.

Ike took his bowl and headed to the dining room table without another word. Kyle could relate. He doubted that he looked much better at the moment. Right now, all he wanted to do was go right back to his bed and sleep, but he knew his mother would never approve. She wanted to make sure that both boys were out of the house on time for school.

Kyle poured himself a bowl of Terrance & Phillip flakes and walked over to the table, taking a seat across from Ike. They both ate their cereal in silence, too tired to start up a conversation.

Once they were finished eating, both boys put their bowls in the sink and headed upstairs to change. As usual, Kyle let Ike use the bathroom first while he sorted out what clothes he would be wearing to school and made sure that all his homework and books were packed in his bag.

After about 15 minutes of waiting, the dark-haired boy left the bathroom and headed to his room leaving a steamy bathroom waiting for Kyle. Kyle entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Staring at his reflection through the condensation of the mirror, Kyle picked up the toothbrush resembling Terrance from the Terrance & Phillip show and turned on the faucet to wet the brush. Putting some toothpaste on his toothbrush, he began brushing his teeth. As he did so, he couldn't help but wonder how the day would go at school. In class last week, he remembered hearing the Ms. Garrison announce that she would be assigning a school project on the environmental impact of Global Warming.

It shouldn't be too hard for him, considering the fact it is a hot topic that has been discussed for ages and there have been extensive resources on the subject online and at the school library. He only hoped that Stan wouldn't try to team up with Wendy this time because she happened to be a wiz when it came to protecting the environment. He didn't want to be stuck with someone like Butters or Bebe or, God forbid, Cartman, of all people. And he didn't want to be paired up with an asshole like Craig. Or Clyde, who had just about as much personality as dry paint. But worst case scenario, he figured he could get either Kenny to work with him or work on it alone if he had to.

Kyle spat out the toothpaste in the sink and rinsed off his toothbrush. He looked up at the clock in the bathroom. 7:15 a.m. Just a half an hour left before the bus arrived. He knew had to hurry before his mother started yelling again.

….

Stepping out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, Kyle headed to his room and began changing into his normal outfit: an orange jacket with blue jeans and mittens. As usual, he put on the same green ushanka that he wore every day. He looked out the window. It looked overcast. Wonderful…

By the time he headed down the stairs, it was around 7:35 a.m., which meant that the bus would be arriving in 15 min.

As he headed out the door, his mother's voice stopped him, "Wait, Kyle. Don't forget to take your brother with you."

As usual, Kyle protested. "Aww, but mom, Ike's always so clingy when we have to leave."

"Now Kyle…you know your brother looks up to you. He's just in that stage where kids don't see the proper benefits of a good education. It's up to you to show how much fun school can be."

"But—"

"No buts, mister!"

"Fine…" Kyle relented, walking over to the couch where his brother was sitting and watching TV.

"Come on, Ike, we have to go to school now," Kyle said, struggling to pull a kicking and screaming Ike off the couch.

"Noooooo!" Ike cried, desperately clinging onto one of the armrests.

"Quit being so stubborn, Ike. Let go! We don't have time for this." Kyle exclaimed, tugging harder, causing the smaller boy's grip to falter and the two of them to fall backwards. Kyle quickly got up and dragged Ike out the door from the boy's feet.

Once out the door, Kyle let go of Ike, leaving him on the doorstop. But as he began to walk away, the smaller boy grabbed his leg, making it harder for Kyle to progress any further. Ike definitely wasn't making this easy for him.

"Let go, Ike! We've been through this already. I'm _not_ dragging you all the way to the bus stop again."

(A few minutes later…)

Kyle let out a frustrated groan. "I can't believe you made me drag you all the way to the bus stop." He stated, annoyed. Why is it that Ike always got so clingy when they had to leave every morning for school? And why did he always have to cling to his leg like he was some taxi?

Upon arriving at the bus stop, Kyle saw his friends casually waiting for the bus.

"Alright, Ike. Time to kick the baby." Kyle announced suddenly, shaking Ike off his leg.

"Don't…kick…the…baby…" Ike protested, but it was too late. No sooner did the words leave Ike's mouth did he suddenly find himself flying through the air.

Kyle ignored Ike's complaints when Ike hit the ground nearby and walked up the bus stop to stand by Stan.

"Hey Stan, Kenny…Fatass." He greeted casually.

"Hey dude," Stan answered with a grin.

"Mmph." Kenny said, his voice muffled behind the hood of his orange parka.

Cartman didn't respond.

Kyle blinked. That was strange. Cartman always had something to say. That is, unless he was secretly plotting something.

"What, no insults? No remarks about you being big boned to help delude yourself from the truth of being a Fatass?" He questioned, looking over to Cartman. Stan and Kenny turned to look at Cartman, questionably.

Cartman kept his eyes glued to the ground, choosing to remain silent.

"Nice try. I _know_ you can hear me, Fatass."

Cartman didn't answer.

Okay, now this was getting weird. What was wrong with him?

"Uh…Cartman?" Kyle tried, a little hesitantly.

No response.

Kyle laughed. "What's the matter? All that fat finally clog your vocal chords?" He joked.

Cartman immediately sprang to life, fixing Kyle with a glare. "Fuck you, Kyle! Just leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to deal with your bull crap today."

Now there's the Cartman he knew. He should've known better. No matter what Cartman would always just be the same Cartman.

"My bull crap?!" Kyle exclaimed angrily. "I'm not the one who gets his kicks from ripping on people all the time for their religion!"

"Dude, just let it go," Stan interjected. "He's been this way since Kenny and I got here. He won't explain to us what's suddenly crawled up his ass."

"Meah." Kenny agreed.

"You know what? You guys are right. If Cartman wants to sit and sulk all day like a pussy, then screw him. It'll be nice to finally get some peace and quiet around here." Kyle said, not giving Cartman a second thought.

Instead, he thought about bringing up the topic that had been on his mind since early this morning.

"So Stan, about that Environmental project that Ms. Garrison is going to assign today, I was wondering if you wanted to—

"Dude! I totally forgot about the project! You think Wendy will want to work with me?!" Stan interrupted urgently.

Kyle was taken aback. "Wait, what? Wendy? No Stan, see, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I—"

But Stan wasn't listening. "She's got to say yes! She's like, super smart when it comes to this type of stuff. What do you think, Ken?" He said, turning to the orange parka-hooded boy.

"Mhe'll mucking motally may mes men my mask mer." Kenny replied.

"Dude, that's so not cool. You can't ask my girlfriend to be your partner. It goes against the bro code." Stan answered, shaking his head.

"Mot mith my mrades." Kenny responded.

"Yeah, but my grades are just as bad and she's my girlfriend so she's sort of obligated to help me out." Stan argued.

Kenny sighed. "Mot me mere…"

Kyle cut in. "Well, since Stan's already got someone to work with, would you like to be my partner, Kenny?" he asked.

"Meah." Kenny nodded.

"Awesome!" Kyle exclaimed. Now that Kenny was onboard, he wouldn't have to work by himself or someone he didn't like.

Just then, the bus arrived at the bus stop. Cartman was the first to get on. Kyle did find it a bit unsettling that Cartman never bothered to say a word when they were discussing partners.

'_Knowing Cartman, he'd probably just end up tricking Butters into doing all the work for him.'_ Kyle thought.

Still…he couldn't help but feel a little worried about Cartman since he hadn't seemed quite like himself. Then again, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing considering how much torment Cartman puts everyone through having to listen to his constant mocking.

On second thought, why did he care again?

* * *

When they got on the bus, Stan sat next to Wendy and Kenny sat next to Bebe, leaving Kyle to choose the seat next to Cartman. Kyle figured that so long as Cartman wasn't talking today, there should be no reason to worry about being subjected to a string of insults. He only hoped that Cartman would continue this new change of attitude every day.

Kyle looked beside him to see Cartman staring out the window silently. He seemed to be deep in thought over something. It made Kyle nervous. If he didn't know better, he'd think Cartman was plotting something. He didn't know what, but he just knew that it couldn't be good if Cartman was in the mix of things.

A curious part of Kyle wanted to know the reason for Cartman's strange behavior, but the other more sensible part knew that the second he asked Cartman what was going on with him, Cartman would somehow manage to find a way to manipulate him into whatever scheme he was plotting and Kyle was not interested. He watched Cartman's eyebrows knit together in anger.

Still…it couldn't hurt to just know what plan Cartman had conjured up. After all, suppose it had to do with the murder of someone he knew? Or what if Cartman had found a way to make his life miserable forever? His conscience just couldn't let himself ignore what might be the difference between life and death for an innocent civilian, especially if he could've done something to prevent some devastation from happening.

Cartman's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Finally got the hots for me, Kahl? I always knew you were a fag, but I never would've thought I'd catch you drooling over me in public. Can't say I'm surprised though. I guess I just have that effect on people, what with this killer bod and all." He boasted, without sparing a glance in Kyle's direction.

Kyle blushed in embarrassment, wondering why he even considered asking Cartman what was wrong with him. There were a lot of things wrong with Cartman. It shouldn't have been that surprising.

"Get real, fatass. No one would ever want to come near that gross flab of yours for fear of being sucked into your gravitational pull."

"Oh? If I'm so gross, then why were you just ogling me now like you couldn't wait to get those Jewish hands all over my junk?" he inquired, looking over at Kyle.

"I wasn't ogling you, dumbass! I was just staring out the window and your fatass just happened to be in the way!"

"Say what you will, Kahl. We both know you secretly want me all alone to yourself so you can take me under the moonlight until I scream your name."

Kyle had a look of disgust on his face. Cartman would go there.

"First off, sick dude! I don't think I'll ever be able to erase that disturbing mental image from my head. Second, you _know_ I'm not gay, Cartman, so you can stop harping on it already. It's pointless."

"Just like it's pointless for you to deny those gay feelings for me any longer." He responded casually.

Kyle stared helplessly at Cartman for a few moments. Then, he just shook his head.

"I just realized that it's hopeless trying to argue with a dumbass so I'm just going to ignore you now." Kyle stated, turning away from Cartman.

There was silence between the two boys for a moment before Cartman responded.

"Normally I'd say, 'suck my balls, Kahl', but apparently, you'd really enjoy that." He said, grinning.

"AUGH!" Kyle yelled in frustration, grabbing the chubby boy by his collar. "For the last time, Cartman! Get it through that fat fucking skull: I AM NOT GAY!" He said, violently shoving Cartman into the wall of the bus.

'_Cartman always does this. He always tries to push me to the point where I just want to kill him. Well, one day, he just might get his wish and I won't feel a bit sorry for doing it either.' _Kyle thought angrily, failing to notice the fact that all eyes were on the two boys now.

"HEY! Y'ALL BETTER NOT BE ROUGH HOUSING ON MY BUS! DON"T MAKE ME TURN THIS BUS AROUND!" the bus driver yelled back angrily.

The school bus swerved in and out of oncoming traffic causing all the children to scream and desperately cling onto the seats. The school bus barely missed hitting a fuel truck before the bus driver drove smoothly again.

The class gave a collective pained noise.

By now, all the kids were either laying in the aisle or thrown across to the other seats.

Laying awkwardly in the aisle, Kyle's head was swimming. The near-death experience had caused Cartman's head to knock into Kyle's.

"Dude, you okay?" he heard Stan's voice say from right beside him.

"I…I…think…so," Kyle responded. "You?" He asked.

"I think I'm still in shock," Stan replied, holding his head. "Dude! That fucking bitch almost killed us!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" The bus driver shouted.

Stan froze. "Um, I said, 'we almost hit a truck and ditch'." He answered.

"Oh." The bus driver replied, turning back to what she was supposed to be doing.

"Phew…" Stan said, giving a relieved sigh.

"At least we made it." Kyle said.

"Kenny? You okay?" Stan asked.

The blonde kid didn't answer. Both Kyle and Stan looked over to find the bottom half of Kenny's body out the window and the top half…missing.

"Oh no! She killed Kenny!" Stan yelled.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted, shaking an angry fist at the driver.

"I'M A WHAT?" The bus driver replied suddenly.

Stan rushed to his friend's defense. "Um, he said, 'you backed her'. As in, you backed _her_, meaning the bus, when—"Stan shook his head. "Aw, screw it, he said, 'you bastard!' You fucking bitch!" He said.

"Okay then." The bus driver nodded, turning around again.

Kyle gaped. "Dude…that's all it took?"

"We should have done that all along." Stan agreed.

Kyle gasped suddenly.

Stan blinked. "What is it?"

"Dude…if Kenny's dead, then that means I'll have to find another partner now." Kyle explained, worriedly.

There was silence for a moment as Stan thought that statement over. He shook his head.

"That is so messed up, dude. Kenny's dead and _that's_ what you think about? I think you've been hanging out with Cartman too long." Stan replied.

Kyle looked a mix between horrified and ashamed. "You're right…I…I don't know what came over me." He said solemnly.

"Da fuck, Kahl?! Why'd you have to go and piss off the bus lady? You know she's always PMSing." Cartman's voice said from the seat beside Stan's head.

"Oh, you didn't die yet?" Kyle questioned uncaringly.

"That's too bad, Kahl. You can't get rid of me that easily." Cartman smirked.

"Cartman, why don't you just go back to the pussy-acting way you were before we came on the bus?" Stan asked, mimicking Kyle's lack of emotion.

"Ok, first of all, I'm not a pussy. Nor have I ever acted like one. And two, don't get angry at me just because your boyfriend tried to come onto me." Cartman answered.

"I did not try to come onto you, fatass. I just wanted to know what you were plotting this morning so you don't try to kill any more people." Kyle responded.

"Hmm, what I was plotting…what I was plotting…" Cartman considered for a moment. "Oh, you know, just the same thing I'm plotting every day, Kahl—to take over the world." He replied casually.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Cartman, you stole that line from the show, "Binky and the Pain", that we all watched two nights ago."

"How do you know? Maybe the creators of the show just heard me use that awesome line one day and decided to use it on their show?" Cartman asked.

"Because number one: you've never used that line since today and number two: that show came out way before you and I were even born, dumbass." Kyle answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Kahl. I wasn't aware that you were with me all 24 hours of the day. Then again, some people just can't get enough of me." Cartman commented.

"You _know_ what I meant, fatboy." Kyle said.

"No, I _know_ what you _said_, Kahl. And coincidences happen every day. I could've said the same word that a show just happened to use and never heard it before." Cartman retorted.

"Guys, guys…can't we just agree to disagree?" Stan quickly intervened before things got too out of hand between his friends. "Kyle, you know Cartman's never going to stop being an asshole so it's useless to keep arguing with him. Cartman just never knows when to quit."

"AY!" Cartman yelled.

Stan turned to Cartman. "And Cartman, just stop. I'm tired of listening to you two fight all the time." He said.

"Who died and made you king?" Cartman asked. "Don't act all high and mighty when your girlfriend's been sleeping with every guy around! Oh wait, that's right. She missed one." Cartman said, laughing.

"You see? This is exactly what I have to deal with!" Kyle yelled.

"Alright, I've had it! Cartman, you don't get to talk about my girlfriend that way. She's my girlfriend, dude. Not cool. And at least my mom's not on the cover of Crackwhore magazine. Stan said. He turned to his best friend. " Kyle, if you want to stay here all day and argue with fatass, be my guest, but I've had enough for today. Later dudes." Stan said, walking off.

Kyle gaped.

"Yeesh, what's up his vagina?" Cartman asked, looking to the boy walking off.

"You know what? He's right. I don't know why I waste so much time dealing with you." Kyle said, walking off to find a new seat.

"Oh, that's fine, Kyle! Make _me_ into the bad guy!" Cartman yelled.

He sighed. "I'm always the bad guy…" he said quietly enough so no one could hear.

* * *

When the bus arrived at school, all the kids got off the bus and headed into the school building.

Kyle walked to his locker with Stan.

"Can you believe that fatass? He always tries to find a way of getting under other people's skin! He just never knows when to quit. I swear, one of these days he's really going to get what's coming to him," Kyle exclaimed, still brooding over Cartman's earlier remarks.

"Dude, it's _Cartman_. What do you expect? He_ always_ acts that way." Stan replied, grabbing the books in his locker.

Kyle sighed. "I know, but for some reason…after seeing him so upset this morning, I thought that maybe-just maybe-he'd finally start acting decent for a change. I don't know. Maybe it was just wishful thinking," he said.

Stan shut his locker, turning to face Kyle. "Kyle, you _know_ fatass isn't going to change. Don't fall into his trap. This is exactly what Cartman wants you to think so you'll let your guard down and make it easier for him to manipulate you into one of his evil schemes."

"Yeah…you're probably right…" Kyle agreed, not willing to meet Stan's eyes. He didn't understand why he was feeling this way, but something by the way Cartman was acting earlier just didn't feel right. Almost like Cartman was upset about something and didn't want anyone to find out. Stan's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Look, dude…can we talk about something else? I don't really want to think about fatass right now." Stan said, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I know what you mean…every second we spend talking about Cartman gives me the creeps." Kyle agreed. "So on another note, this morning, my mom woke Ike and me up before my alarm clock."

"Dude, again?!" Stan exclaimed in shock. "Your mom's got issues. If my mom ever did that, I don't think I'd have the energy to come to school every day and deal with all the crap these crazy teachers put us through."

"How do you think _I_ feel about it?!" Kyle exclaimed. "My mom actually makes me come home early just so that I could spend the rest of the day studying and makes me promise that I'll make straight A's every morning before I leave the house. She says it's to build up my confidence."

"You've got it rough, dude. I'm glad she's not my mother," Stan responded, thankful that he wasn't born in Kyle's shoes.

"Gee thanks for the support…" Kyle stated, sarcastically.

"Aw, cheer up dude. At least you don't have to listen to your parents argue about stupid things all the time such as my dad's sudden mid-life crises and how my mom just doesn't understand him and the younger generation anymore," Stan answered.

Kyle laughed. "Yeah, I guess you got me there," he said.

"Our parents can so dumb sometimes. They always act like they know what they're doing, but really, they just make things worse whenever they're involved. And they're always so hypocritical, telling us we can do this or we can't do that, but whenever they do it, it magically becomes okay." Stan ranted.

"All very true, Stan. But dude, at least they care," Kyle defended.

Stan thought for a moment. Then, he nodded. "Yeah…I guess that's true," he agreed.

They both walked into the classroom where Ms. Garrison would be teaching and took their seats right next to each other.

"Gaywads…" Cartman muttered under his breath, eying the two friends that sat in the desks in front of them.

Butters sat down behind him. "Oh, hey there, Eric. How's it going?" he greeted, cheerfully.

"Go away Butters…" Cartman said, not in the mood to deal with Butter's annoying enthusiasm.

"Go away? B-but we're in class and Ms. Garrison says we're not allowed to change our assigned seats," Butters replied, in confusion.

"Then move your seat somewhere where I don't have to listen to you anymore," Cartman answered.

"Gee whiz, Eric. All I did was ask about your day, but if you're going to be a big meanie about it—why I outta—why I outta just leave you alone." Butters said.

"Yes! Leave me_ alone_!" Cartman exclaimed.

"O-okay, Eric. Just remember I'm right behind you if you need to talk. You don't seem to be having a good day," Butters noted.

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed," Cartman replied, shutting his eyes to calm himself.

The classroom was filled with the voices of students conversing with one another, and the students continued to make noise even when Ms. Garrison stepped into the room and put down her things.

"Alright, settle down you little bastards," Ms. Garrison said. The class quieted down.

"Okay class, today we're going to talk about the upcoming project that is due next week Tuesday on the environmental impact of global warming. Now, I know I said last time that I would let you students choose your own partners, but after considering the last screw up where someone decided to make me look bad by dressing up as Adolf Hitler during our unit on Anne Frank in front of the superintendent—who happens to be Mrs. Broflovski and Jewish, mind you—I have decided not to have you students choose your own partners this time around."

The class groaned.

"Now, I'm not saying any names as to which student was dumb enough to do this…Eric!" Ms. Garrison emphasized, leveling Cartman with a glare.

"Ay! How was I supposed to know Kyle's mother would be such a bitch about it?!" Cartman argued.

"DON"T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, FATASS!" Kyle yelled.

"Dude, she kind of is…" Stan cut in.

"What? Dude, no, she isn't!" Kyle defended.

"YEAH, SHE IS!" The class collectively replied.

Ms. Garrison continued with the lecture. "Alright, now that we've established how much of a bitch Kyle's mother is, I want you children to know that I have decided to assign your partners instead."

The class groaned.

Ms. Garrison ignored the response from the class and pulled out a roster containing a list of students. "Stan, you'll working with Wendy."

"Sweet dude!" Stan exclaimed. "Now I'll get an 'A' for sure!"

Wendy gave a small smile in return.

"Clyde, you'll be paired up with Craig."

The two looked at each other and nodded. Then, Clyde flipped the teacher off.

"Clyde! Did you just flip me off?!"

"No." He flipped him off again.

"That's it! One week of detention for you, Clyde!"

"Aw…do we have to go through this every day?" Craig complained.

"Another outburst from you, Craig, and you'll be joining him," Ms. Garrison answered. Then, he thought for a moment. "Actually, that's a good idea. Maybe a week's worth of time in detention will encourage the two of you to spend time working on that project instead of always farting around like dimwits. Very well, I've made up my mind. One week for you, Craig."

"Lame…" Craig replied solemnly.

Ms. Garrison continued out assigning partners.

"Tweek, you'll work with Token."

"Right on!" Token said.

"Ack! This is great!" Tweek agreed.

"Jimmy, you'll be partnered up with Timmy."

"S-s-sweet." Jimmy said.

"Timmy!" Timmy shouted in agreement.

"Bebe, you'll work with Heidi."

The two girls smiled at one another.

"And ladies, maybe try not to turn the project into some '_What Not to Wear_' segment this time, hmm?" Ms. Garrison noted.

"Ok…" the two girls said in unison.

"Annie, you work with Millie. Lola, you'll be working with Rebecca. And Esther, you work with Sally." Ms. Garrison read down the list.

"Butters, you work with Pip."

"O-ok then," Butters said.

"Right-o! We will have a quite splendid time working together." Pip said, smiling at Butters.

"That's nice…moving on…Kyle, you'll work with—"Ms. Garrison stopped suddenly.

"Hmm…that's odd, Kenny's not here," He said in confusion.

"Um, Ms. Garrison? Kenny died," Kyle answered.

"Really? Well, that puts a damper on things," Ms. Garrison waved it off. "Originally, I was going to have you, Kyle, paired up with Kenny, but since Kenny's dead, I guess I'll just have you paired off with Eric."

"What?! No! Anything but fatass!" Kyle exclaimed, dreading the thought of working beside his longtime enemy. "Um, Ms. Garrison, I'd really rather work alone." He tried.

"No one likes a non-team player, Kyle," Ms. Garrison replied uncaringly.

"Yeah, Kahl. Stop being such a Jew." Cartman agreed.

"Argh!" Kyle groaned in frustration. "But Ms. Garrison, Cartman always makes me do all the work!"

"Well, there you go, Kyle. It'll be just like you're working on your own. Only now, you'll be helping someone else out by pulling up Cartman's grades," Ms. Garrison quipped easily.

"Don't worry, Ms. Garrison. Kahl and I will work long and hard on this assignment," Cartman said, sweetly. "Won't we, Kahl?"

"Grr…" Kyle responded angrily. _'It isn't fair! What did I do to deserve this?' _Kyle thought, visibly upset.

"Now, as for the project, all of you are to deliver a 10-min. presentation in front of the entire class next week to show what you have learned in the past week. You may use examples from class and in the textbooks or if you choose to include outside resources, make sure to always cite your sources. No plagiarizing, which includes copying down all the information from Wikipedia…Eric," Ms. Garrison said the last part firmly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever…" Cartman waved it off.

"I'm _serious_, Eric. If I catch you or anyone plagiarizing stuff off the Internet, it'll result in an automatic failure. And not only that, it'll reaffirm that most of you are just a bunch of lazy bastards…" Ms. Garrison said.

While Ms. Garrison was talking, Wendy whispered to Stan. "Hey Stan, you're good at making videos, right?" she asked.

Stan looked over to her with a puzzled look. "Yeah, why?" he asked.

Wendy didn't respond. Instead, she raised her hand.

"Yes, Wendy?" Ms. Garrison asked.

"Ms. Garrison, are we allowed to create a video for our project?" She asked.

"Well, yes, I suppose so, as long as the video stays under the time limit. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, it's just that I thought it might be creative to do a video about pollution in Southpark to make the assignment a little more relevant to the students," She explained.

"What a great idea, Ms. Testaburger. If only your fellow classmates shared your same level of ingenuity and intellect, then maybe Southpark Elementary wouldn't be labelled as a hick school," Ms. Garrison responded.

Wendy smiled. "Thank you, Ms. Garrison.

"Kiss up…" Cartman muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Like you could do any better, fatass." Kyle countered.

"Watch me. Our project is going to be so awesome, it'll put Southpark on the map," Cartman replied, grinning.

"Don't you mean, '_my project_?' It's not like you'll be doing anything," Kyle said.

"You know, there's an "I" in 'team' now, Kahl. It's labelled in the a-hole," Cartman stated bluntly. "I guess we know why…"

"Whatever, Cartman. Just be prepared to work on the project this afternoon. Your house, 4p.m. sharp." Kyle answered, turning back to Ms. Garrison.

Meanwhile, Stan whispered back to Wendy. "Now I get why you asked me if I was good at making videos. You wanted us to make one for the project."

Wendy nodded. "That, and you're the only one I know that owns a video recorder," She answered.

"Oh yeah, that's true," Stan agreed, slightly put off.

Just then, the bell rang.

"Alright, you little bastards, get the hell out of my classroom," Ms. Garrison noted.

The children eagerly left the room.

* * *

By the time school Kyle arrived home from school, it was already a little after 3p.m.

"Mom, I'm home!" Kyle called out, making his way upstairs.

His mother met him at the stairs. "Oh, very good, Kyle. Nice to see my little bubbe back home safely." She said, giving him a hug. "Everything go well at school?"

"Yeah, mom…everything went terrific. I got a few papers back and I made all A's," Kyle answered, knowing that was exactly what his mother was waiting to hear.

She nodded. "I'd expect nothing less from my bubbula. We only raise bright kids in this household," She responded, giving him a kiss.

"Yeah, mom…" Kyle agreed. Then he remembered the project. "Oh, and before I forget, I'm heading over to Cartman's later so that we can start on a project that's due next week."

His mother looked pleased. "Very good, Kyle. It's great to hear that you're taking an interest in your studies. Just make sure you don't let that other boy bring you down. You must stay very focused, Kyle, and as I have recently heard, that boy, Eric Cartman isn't doing so well."

"Yes, I know mom. Ms. Garrison said that she wanted me to work with him so that I'd help him pull up his grades," Kyle answered.

"Oh? Is that so?" His mother asked, surprised. "Wonderful! Wonderful! This will be an excellent thing to list on your resume! This is the type of community service that Harvard looks forward!" She exclaimed happily. "Well, let me not bother you anymore than I have. I know you probably have to get ready soon to leave for your little friend's house. What time are you leaving again?"

"4p.m.," Kyle replied.

"Ok Kyle, make sure to be back by 9p.m.," His mother said, heading down the stairs.

"Sure, mom." Kyle said. _'That won't be hard…' _He thought. Kyle resumed his climb up the stairs, and went down the hallway to his room.

He immediately dropped his things, walked over to his bed, and collapsed on it. It had been a long day and he still couldn't believe that it was still going. Kyle looked over at his alarm clock. 3:15 p.m.

At around 3:45p.m, he'd figured that he'd head over to Cartman's. He really wasn't looking forward to working with fatboy, but he figured that Cartman would be spending most of the time watching television in the living room and eating cheesypoofs so Kyle could just head upstairs and work on the project by himself in Cartman's room.

He knew it wasn't fair that he'd be doing all of the work while Cartman got to relax, only making his fatass ever fatter, but it wasn't like he was expecting any different when it came to working with Cartman. Heck, it was one of the reasons why no one ever volunteered to be his partner. That is—except Butters, who went along with almost anything. He figured the least amount of interaction he had with Cartman, the better.

And besides, nothing was stopping him from leaving if things got too out of hand. He could just tell his mom that they finished earlier than expected.

Kyle felt his eyelids begin to droop. He knew he had some time to go before 3:45p.m so he set his alarm to go off at 3:30p.m. and allowed himself to drift into dreamland.

…

….

…

Kyle suddenly opened his eyes. It was darker than usual for 3:30 p.m. How long had he been asleep? He checked his alarm clock. 6:00p.m.

Kyle shot up in his bed. He couldn't believe it-he had overslept! Cartman was going to be so pissed. Quickly, he grabbed all his things and headed down the stairs, where he encountered his mom.

"Kyle? I thought you had already left. Do you know what time it is?" His mother questioned.

"Yeah, I know mom, 6p.m. I overslept," Kyle said hurriedly.

"Are you sure you still want to head over to your friend's house? It's getting close to dinnertime," His mother said, a bit concerned.

"It'll be okay, mom. I'll eat later. Bye!" He said, heading past her and out the door.

"Ok, bubbe. Be careful!" His mother shouted.

* * *

By the time he arrived at Cartman's, it was dark out. He walked up to the doorstep and rang the doorbell.

"MEHM! GET THE DOOR!" He recognized Cartman's voice yelling.

"MEHM!"

"I SAID, MEHM!"

Nothing.

"Goshdamnit," He heard Cartman complain and then he heard footsteps coming to the door.

He opened the door, revealing Cartman already in his pajamas.

"Oh, it's you, Jew. About time you got here. Geez, what took you so long?" He said, walking away from the door as a silent invitation to come inside.

"I overslept…" Kyle said sheepishly, walking in the house and shutting the door.

Kyle was shocked to see all the lights off in the house. The only light that shown was through the TV, which was turned to Terrance &Phillip. Cartman sat on the couch facing the TV holding a bag of cheesy puffs in his lap.

Suddenly, Kyle felt out of place. "Um, if I came at a bad time, I can always—"

"Cut the bull crap, Kahl. We both know why you're here," Cartman interjected.

"Uh...yeah...I came here so that we could work on the project," Kyle replied in confusion.

"No, Kahl. Tell me the _real_ reason you came here," Cartman reiterated, his dark brown eyes staring down Kyle's. He muted the television.

"T-the real reason?" Kyle asked, caught off guard. "That is the real reason why I came here!"

"Sure, Kahl. That's what you _want_ me to think," Cartman answered, not buying it.

"Alright, what the hell are you talking about this time, Cartman?" He questioned.

"Don't pretend like you don't know. You came to my house so you could fuck me."

Kyle gaped. "WHAT?!" He screeched.

"That's right, Kahl. You came here pretending like we were going to work on the project so you could gain my trust and go into my room, pretend like you were working on the computer, when all you really wanted to do was go through my things, look for any embarrassing stuff that you could exploit as blackmail, and fuck me!" Cartman explained.

"What?!" Kyle said, unsure of how to follow Cartman's weird logic.

"Oh, cat got your tongue, Kahl? Thought I wouldn't be clever enough to see through your sneaky schemes, huh Jew?"

Kyle shook his head. "Cartman, you are such an idiot…" Kyle responded. He wondered if he should just leave now.

"Oh, that's rich, Kahl. _I'm_ the idiot. You know, you and my mom always find some way to fuck me. It's like you both take turns or something, the way you two are always fucking me harder and harder so that I'm always screwed. Well guess what, Kahl. I'm not going to let you fuck me this time. I'm not your bitch," Cartman asserted.

"Ok, first of all. I have no idea what you're talking about. And second, you really shouldn't be saying that someone uh…'fucked you'. It could be taken the wrong way," Kyle replied. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. No matter what, it seemed he always got sucked up into Cartman's strange drama.

"But you did! You did fuck me. You've fucked me so bad, Kahl that I've had to bend over backwards just so that you fuck me time and time again. Nothing is ever good enough for you," Cartman answered.

"No, see, when you that kind of terminology…aw, screw it. Explaining something to you is like trying to teach the Pythagorean Theorem to a dog. And even then, I bet the dog would learn it faster than someone explaining something to you."

"No, go on, Kahl. Insult me in my home. And when you're done, don't forget to fuck me on the way out!"

"FINE!" Kyle yelled, standing up and storming over to the door. He gripped the doorknob, turning around to dish out a few departing words, when he saw it.

Tears.

Running down Cartman's face. He couldn't believe it. Cartman was…crying.

Kyle was so shocked that he just stood there, wide-eyed.

"Well?" Cartman asked, quickly wiping his face with the end of his sleeve, which made it all the more obviously he was crying. "The heck are you waiting for, Kyle? Get the fuck out!" He shouted.

"Cartman? Are you…crying?" Kyle asked.

"No, Kahl. I'm not a pussy…" He said, sniffling.

"Yes, you are…there's tears." Kyle argued.

"So? There's…there's just something in my eye! Now just leave me alone," The heavier boy said.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked.

"I said, leave me _alone_, Kyle!" Cartman said, raising his voice.

Kyle looked to the door. He could easily leave right now. He didn't have to stay. After all, Cartman had already given him his ticket out of there. All he had to do was walk out that door and never speak of it. He could just as easily do the project on his own. No one would ever tell the difference anyway.

But somehow…it just didn't seem right. Even if it was Cartman. His good morals were simply against it.

"No!" Kyle answered. "Tell me what's wrong. You've been acting strange all day."

"Damn it Kyle! Nothing is wrong! And I'm not crying!" Cartman yelled angrily. "Now go away or I'll make you!" He threatened.

Kyle didn't budge."Cartman, it's okay to cry from time to time…it doesn't make you any less than you already are," Kyle said gently, walking back over to the couch. "Look, I'm not going to tell anyone about this if that's what you're worried about."

Cartman glared up at him with a thoughtful expression.

"Alright, fine. You really want to know what I'm upset about? It's because Mr. Kitty died yesterday…" he sniffled. "He meant everything to me, Kahl. Why did he have to die?" Cartman said, letting the tears run down his face.

Kyle felt really bad. He knew how much Cartman loved that cat.

"Cartman…I…I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry, "He said, sympathetically. Kyle gave Cartman a hug, allowing the larger boy to break down into tears.

Suddenly, Cartman's crying started sounding weird to Kyle. Almost like he was…

"Haha…"

"Haha…"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Cartman laughed, falling on his back. "DUDE! YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE! THAT WAS…THAT WAS…GOLD, KAHL! AHAHAHA! YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT! THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY DAY A LITTLE MORE AWESOME! AHAHAHAHA!"

"That wasn't funny, fatass!" Kyle exclaimed angrily.

"Yes…yes, it was Kahl haha..." Cartman answered, trying to control his laughter.

"I hate you so fucking much right now, you know that?" Kyle said.

"Hahaha…" Cartman said, wiping the tears from his laughter. "You say that as if I'm suddenly going to care, Kahl!"

"That's it! I am so out of here!" Kyle said, getting up to walk to the door, but was stopped by Cartman grabbing hold of the back of his shirt.

"W-wait, Kyle."

"Let go of me, fatass." Kyle said angrily, not turning around.

"Ok…ok…fine, Kahl. You win. I'll tell you why I'm really upset." Cartman said, letting go of Kyle's shirt. Kyle just stood there, back turned and facing the door.

Cartman sighed, closing his eyes, and then opening them again.

"What day was yesterday, Kahl?" Cartman asked, his tone serious.

Kyle blinked. That hadn't been the question he had been expecting. "Huh? What does that have to do with—"

"Just answer the question, Kahl," Cartman replied.

"Sunday, why?" He asked.

"No, Kahl. Specifically, what day was it? As in, did anything special happen?" He asked.

"It was…it was Father's day…" Kyle answered, realizing where Cartman was going with this. He shook his head. "Oh no! You are NOT making me fall for that again. You made it perfectly clear the last time Scott Tenorman brought it up that you were perfectly fine with knowing that you killed your own father."

Cartman's face held no reaction. "Was I, Kahl? Or was that exactly what I wanted you to think?"

Kyle considered Cartman's question for a moment. "Yes…yes, you were fine with it. You said the only reason you were upset was because your father was a ginger."

Cartman scratched his chin, deep in thought. "Yes…I do believe mentioning my deep hatred for the gingers…but take it for what it's worth, Kahl. Appearances aren't always what they seem. Here, allow me to elaborate. In the meantime, take a seat, Kahl. It's a long story."

Kyle walked over and sat on the couch beside Cartman.

"Mom and I usually spend father's day together. Mom usually takes me to these really cool places like Cheesy Chuck's to eat all the free pizza I want, play games, and win sweet prizes. We've always had the time in the world together. Just the two of us. That is…until yesterday…"

…

…

…

Cartman wakes up in his bed and looks at the calendar. "Hooray! Today's Father's day!" he exclaims. He looks around in his bed for something.

"Hey, that's funny. My breakfast isn't here yet…" Cartman ponders.

"MEHM!"

"MEHM!"

No answer.

"Goshdamnit, mehm." Cartman grumbles, getting out of bed.

He heads down the stairs. "Mehm, what the fuck?!" He calls out, but still no answer.

"Where the fuck is she?!" Cartman asks no one in particular.

He heads into the kitchen. "What's a guy got to do to get his own breakfast around here?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute." Kyle interjected, breaking the story. "Your mom…makes you breakfast in bed on Father's day?"

Cartman lets out an irritated sigh at being interrupted. "Yes, Kahl. It's a family tradition," he said.

"Dude," Kyle said.

"Yes, Kahl. We all know my life's very sweet now can I get on with the story?" Cartman asked in irritation.

"Whatever…" Kyle replied. This was supposed to be a sad story?

"So like I was saying…"

…

…

Cartman walks up to the fridge and sees a note. "Hello? What's this?" He regards thoughtfully as he looks at the letter.

'Eric honey,

Mommy is leaving to go on a date with the TV repairman. Be back by noon. Should be a quickie.

Love,

Lianne Cartman XOXO'

"HAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA!" Kyle laughed, clutching his sides.

"Damn it, Kahl! What is it now?" Cartman asked in irritation.

"Your…haha…your mom…she…really lives up to her name…ahhahaha! A quickie?! AHAHAHA!" Kyle said, in between giggles.

"Quit it, Kahl. It's not funny…"

"Yes, it is!" Kyle continued laughing.

"You see! This is exactly what I mean! Here you go, fucking me over again, Kahl!"

"Not before your mom!" Kyle exclaimed, laughing.

Cartman growled in annoyance, continuing with the story.

…

…

…

"Damn it, mehm!" Cartman yelled. "Now what the hell am I supposed to do?"

He considered for a minute. Finally, an idea came to him. "Oh, I know! I'll watch Terrance & Phillip and wait for mehm to return."

Cartman grabs a bag of cheesy poofs and sits on the couch facing the TV. He turns on the channel and sees…

…

…

..

"And do you know what I saw once I flipped on Terrance & Phillip, Kahl?"

Kyle had known the answer to this question as he had been watching Terrance & Phillip at his house as well.

"It was _Terrance & Phillip's_ Father's Day Special." Kyle answered.

Cartman nodded. "That's right, Kahl. An all-day marathon showing nothing but Terrance & Phillip farting along with their fathers," He said, shaking his head. "Watching my two favorite characters spend so much time together, I couldn't help but feel like something was missing from my life. I…had to change the channel…"

"Dude," Kyle said. Changing the channel during a series special was pretty bed for Terrance & Phillip fans.

Cartman continued. "But each show I turned to had commercial after commercial showing families spending time with one another, all happy. Sons playing catch with their fathers or learning how to be a man. Things like that. And somehow, I knew that deep down, I would never be able to know my father. To be able to forge the types of bonds that only a father and a son can only have. So, yes, Kahl. I was upset that my father was a ginger, but sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like to have one for a father. And you want to know the worst part, Kahl?"

Kyle looked over sympathetically at Cartman.

"I only have myself to blame. And that really pisses me off because no matter what, I can never change that," Cartman said, tears now in his eyes.

"Cartman…you didn't know it was your father…it's not your fault," Kyle said, almost feeling bad for Cartman.

"Kahl, you and I both know that just because I didn't know that it was my father at the time, doesn't change the fact that I killed him," Cartman stated.

Kyle knew that to be true. However, he couldn't help feel sorry for Cartman in spite of the circumstances.

"Well, what happened afterwards? Did your mom come home?"

"Kyle, I waited there on the couch for my mom well after 12. I had even fallen asleep and woke up at 3p.m. Still no sign of mom. And then I just…lost it. I threw the remote at the TV and then flipped it over. I figured, screw it. She's dating the repairman, right? She can send him over anytime she wants. After she's done fucking me, that is."

Okay…so maybe Kyle didn't feel _that_ bad.

"Then what happened?" Kyle asked.

"I got bored. So I walked around a while. And what did I see? Nothing but Father's day specials and fathers playing with their kids in the park. I couldn't hang out with you guys, oh no, you guys were busy spending time with your own fathers. I walked towards and alley and that's when I saw it: My mom bumping uglies with some dude who wasn't even the repairman. Oh, and she was also giving a blowjob to some Mexican dude, might I add."

"Whoa dude," Kyle exclaimed.

"Needless to say, I was shocked. It's not every day that you see your own mother making crazy love to random dudes and a few fellows I know from across the street."

"Dude, sick! You stayed and watched?" Kyle questioned, his face twisted in disgust.

"Only to take a few pictures for blackmail purposes in the future. You can never let an opportunity such as this pass," Cartman responded.

Kyle gagged. He would do something like that. Actually, so would Kenny, come to think of it.

Kyle decided to change the subject. "So, does your mom know?" he asked.

"No, I haven't told her. And why should I? It's not like she's been totally honest with me," He answered. "I went home directly after that, ate some cheesy poofs and waited until about 9 p.m., and then went to bed. I don't think she came home that night."

"Did you see her this morning?"

"No, but I saw an apology letter on the fridge this morning saying that she was sorry she couldn't make it, business was tight, and her day was tiring."

'_Oh, I bet,' _Kyle thought.

"The letter also said that she would be out on another date today, which as you can see, she has not returned from," Cartman noted.

"Oh…" Kyle asked.

"Have you eaten dinner yet?" Kyle asked, suddenly concerned for his friend's wellbeing.

"Kyle, do you not see the bag of cheesypoofs?" Cartman asked, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You can't be serious. You can't live your life off of cheesypoofs, dumbass. They lack nutrition."

"Kenny's family survives off of pop tarts," Cartman argued.

"You are such an ignorant bastard, you know that?" Kyle said.

No sooner had the words left his mouth did Kyle realize what a mistake he'd made. He covered his mouth in horror.

"I-I..I didn't mean—" Kyle tried.

"Save it, Kahl. I _know_ what you meant," Cartman said, looking down. He sighed.

"Do you know the other reason why I was so upset, Kahl? It's because you and everyone at school always treat me like I'm some kind of bad guy. It's always, 'Oh, Cartman's so quiet lately, I bet he's conjuring up some kind of scheme', or 'I don't want to work with or be friends with Cartman because everyone says he's mean.' No one ever gives me the time of day."

"But you are a bad guy," Kyle said, as if he couldn't believe that Cartman didn't realize it himself by now. "You always insult everyone and do horrible things that make people not want to be your friend."

"So, just because I've done a few questionable things in the past suddenly means that I can't change?" Cartman asked, getting angry.

"You can, but you won't," Kyle stated.

"Duh! Because everyone keeps pissing me off!" He argued.

"Cartman, good kids don't try to make other kids commit suicide to make people forget about something—"

"AY! I was hired by the teachers to do that!" Cartman defended.

"—and spike all the teachers' foods with a ton of laxatives—"

"They threw me under a freakin' bus!"

"-good kids don't use stem cells to build a restaurant instead of saving their best friend's life—"

"He came back!"

"—good kids don't try to lead a cult of ginger kids against all the kids of Southpark!"

"It was for a good cause!"

"—good kids don't try to ethnic cleanse the Jewish religion!

"They had it coming!"

"—good kids don't trap other kids in bomb shelters so they could steal their spot to go to a restaurant!"

"Casa Bonita's, Kyle!"

"—good friends don't put another student's dick in their mouth while the student is sleeping!"

"Ok, maybe that was a mistake…"

"—good kids don't try to fake that they're mentally handicapped for a prize—"

"I lost anyways…"

"—good kids don't fake that they have Tourette's so they could say anything they want—"

"Because they never thought of it. And I'll never do that again."

"—and good kids don't grind a kid's parents' up into chili and make him eat it."

Cartman flinched at the memory.

"Let's face it, Cartman, you don't exactly have the cleanest records of us…"

"What about forgiveness, Kahl? I gave everyone a fruit basket…"

"You dumbass! A fruit basket isn't going to change anything!" Kyle argued. "And you didn't even mean it anyways because you still continued to do horrible things afterwards!"

"As I said, Kyle, people keep pissing me off."

Kyle groaned. "Cartman, how do you expect anyone to feel sorry for you when you always act like such an asshole?"

"Just because I have the balls to say what everyone else is thinking does not make me an asshole, Kahl. And maybe if you'd be more of a friend to me, I wouldn't be in these situations."

"Cartman, if I wasn't your friend, do you seriously think I would be spending this much time trying to cheer you up?" Kyle asked.

"This is what you call cheering up? I didn't ask for a lecture, Kyle. I'm not another one of your challenging projects that you can try to fix and then brag about it later. I have feelings, alright?" Cartman said.

"Did you ever stop to think that the reason why I act the way I do isn't totally my fault? Huh, Kahl? Did you ever stop to wonder if it's because I come from such a shitty upbringing?" Cartman questioned. "I mean, let's face facts here. My mom's a dirty slut, my dad's a deadbeat father and a ginger—two double whammies—and my brother is a sociopath who went as far as to sell me his pubes and seeks to make my life miserable. I haven't exactly had the coziest of lives. I mean, my mom whores herself for money for God's sake, and my dad didn't have enough balls to provide any child support so that his own son would live a good life—not almost poor like Kenny. No, he basically saw my mom and me as a _mistake_. Do you hear? A _mistake_.

Kyle didn't answer. He kept his eyes to the floor.

"My mom's so easy to manipulate because she's sweet. She practically enables me by buying me all this awesome stuff, which is sweet by the way, so not complaining, but I get whatever I want. Anytime I say. Not much discipline involved for the things I get away with. No risk. So yes, maybe I am responsible for my actions, but not totally, I can assure you. I've never really had a disciplinary figure in my life. And although I'm super cool and everything, I used to be alone because I didn't have any siblings to hang around like you all did so I found other ways. And maybe you never thought of this, Kahl, but maybe the reason why I eat so much food is because it helps me cope. Sure, maybe I am a bad person. Being bad is sweet. You get all the perks, but I'm also human and I do have feelings."

Kyle let Cartman continue.

"But is that enough for you? Oh no, Kahl, you and everyone at Southpark elementary have to throw insults at me every day about my mom being a crackwhore and me being fat to remind me how imperfect my life is."

"Why...why are you telling me all this?" Kyle said quietly, keeping his eyes to the floor.

"Because...you were the first person that has ever cared enough to ask," Cartman answered, looking up at Kyle.

Kyle said nothing for a while and then finally responded. "Thanks…thanks for sharing with me how you really feel, Cartman." He said. "I…I honestly don't know what to say, but just…I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"Oh no, Jew, you're not going to start feeling sorry for me. I'm not a charity case. That's Kenny's job."

Kyle didn't respond for the longest time. Finally, he looked up from the ground.

"Well, I still think you're an idiot," Kyle said.

"And I still think you're a Jew," Cartman said.

They both locked eyes with one another-Kyle's green with Cartman's brown. Neither said a word, the two staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity.

Then, finally, Cartman smiled. A true, genuine smile and then, Kyle reciprocrated. Two friends sharing a special moment together until...

Fraaap!

A large fart emanated from Cartman's rear.

Kyle's face immediately held a look of disgust. "Dude!" he exclaimed, covering his nose with his shirt.

"Ahhh! Been holding that one in for the longest…" Cartman said, reclining on the couch.

"Gross! It's stinking up the place! Open a window!" Kyle exclaimed, scrambling to find a nearest window. He quickly opened a window by the door, letting the cool air filter into the room. What a relief…

"If only your mom dated a guy with a lot more money, then maybe you guys could afford to have a fan in this place," Kyle quipped.

Cartman froze. "What did you just say?" He asked.

Kyle was confused. "Uh...just that your mom should date a guy with more money so you guys could—"

"That's genius!" Cartman suddenly exclaimed.

"Huh?" Kyle asked.

"Don't you see, Kahl? This will solve all my problems!"

"Cartman, I really don't follow what you're saying."

"Two words, Kahl: Johnny Depp."

"The guy who played as Captain Jack Sparrow in _Pirates of the Caribbean_?" Kyle asked, still perplexed. "What about him?"

"Just stay with me here, Kahl. What if I were to get my mom to date Johnny Depp?"

"Johnny Depp's a famous actor, fatass. He wouldn't be interested in your mom."

"Why wouldn't he? My mom's still pretty smokin' hot, if I do say so myself. And with a little enticement, I guarantee that he won't turn her away."

"How so?" Kyle asked.

"Alright, here's the deal: My mom will claim to be one of the many women that Johnny Depp had a one-night stand with during one of his drunken nights. She'll shed a few tears here and there—you know, make her story believable—Johnny Depp will feel guilty, pay child support, let me hang out at his place over the weekends, and pretty soon, mom and I will be reeling in the dough because we have a freakin' rich guy to support us. It's gold, Kahl," Cartman said, voice full of pride.

Kyle just stood there in disbelief. He shook his head.

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, Cartman, you always seem to exceed my expectations." He answered.

"What's the big deal, Kahl? Other people do it all the time." Cartman tried to persuade. He thought for a moment of an example. "Like, remember that Steve Wilkos show where all the black women make the men pay child support for a child that's not even theirs? It's genius."

"Just because other people do it, doesn't make it right, Cartman."

"God, Kyle! Why can't you ever take that stick out of your ass for once and just be happy for me? Why do you always try to stick your Jew nose into everything I do?"

"Because your happiness always leads to other people's misery!"

"What am I doing wrong, Kahl? I'm just giving Johnny Depp what he always wanted—a beautiful family."

"But you're not his true family. He already has kids. It doesn't matter if he's divorced now."

Cartman gave a disheartened look. "Ouch, Kahl. Is that what you say to all the orphans too? I bet you must be real popular with Ike and all the kids down at the orphanage."

"What?! No! I mean-what does this have to do with—wait, don't turn this around on me, fatass. We're talking about you here and why you think it's morally appealing to you essentially playing with Johnny Depp's heart."

"Look, Johnny Depp no longer has a family, right? And I don't have a father. I'm just filling in the void here."

"It'll never work, Cartman. What if Johnny Depp wants to do a DNA test to prove if he's the father?"

"Simple, Kahl. Dr. Mephesto. He can genetically alter anything. Even alter the results of a DNA test."

"I—", Kyle shook his head. "I have nothing more to say to you other than you're making a huge mistake."

"You wouldn't understand, Kahl. You, who already has a perfectly happy family."

"That's not it at all, fatass, and you _know _it." Kyle responded. He looked at the time. 11:15p.m. "Look, it's already getting late. My mom is probably worried sick. I'll…catch you tomorrow?" He asked.

"Why?" Cartman asked.

"To work on the project like we were supposed to do today, you fat fuck!" Kyle shouted.

"I wasn't the one who overslept today, Kahl."

"No, but you did take up most of our time talking about all your family issues!"

For a moment, Cartman looked hurt, but he shook it off. "Ay! I didn't _ask_ you do get involved, Kahl. You could've just left me alone," He said angrily.

Kyle stopped his tirade, suddenly remembering the way Cartman had been earlier. "Y-you're right..." He said, feeling ashamed. "It's just...I couldn't bear the thought of seeing a friend hurt."

Cartman was shocked. He tried to clear out his ears. "I'm sorry, Kahl. I must have heard you wrong. Did you just say that I'm your friend?"

"Cartman...you and I may not always agree on things and sometimes you say things that make me want to fucking murder you, but we've been through a lot together and somehow, we always managed to hang out just like friends would. I don't know if you could call us friends, per say, but I think that all of this makes us...something." Kyle explained.

Cartman gave a small smile. "Yeah, Kahl. I think you're right. You and I are...something. And that's a lot cooler than any friendship could have been."

Kyle returned the smile. Maybe Cartman wasn't so bad after all...oh, who was he kidding? Cartman was totally bad. But...maybe that's how it was meant to be. "So, you in or out for tomorrow?"He asked, changing the subject.

"Fine, Kahl. We'll work on the faggy project then. Or…"

"Or?" Kyle questioned.

"We get Mexicans to do it." Cartman finished, grinning.

"What? No way! Remember what Ms. Garrison said? No plagiarizing."

"Yes, Kahl. Ms. Garrison said 'no plagiarizing'. She didn't say anything about getting Mexicans to do our dirty work for us."

"Yeah, but it just feels wrong…" Kyle said.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Fine, Kahl. If you're just going to wimp out on me, we'll do the project your way."

"I'm not being a wimp, Cartman. I just don't think it's right—"

"Save your speech for another time, Kahl. Like you said, it's getting late and you have to go home before your bitchy mom comes this way and bitches our ears."

"Don't call my mom a bitch, fatass! And yeah…it's just…I'm worried about you. If you want, you can come over to my place for the night," Kyle offered. Under normal conditions, he would never say such a thing to Cartman, but this was different. He honestly did care about his friend.

It was silent between them for a moment. Cartman looking as if he couldn't believe what Kyle had just said. Then he shook his head.

"Dude…that had to be the gayest thing I've ever heard you say, Kahl," Cartman remarked, grinning.

Kyle gave a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his head. "Yeah, well…the offer still stands, "He said, walking over to the door.

Cartman considered the request for a moment. "Nah, I think I'll stay here, Jew, just in case my mom decides to come. I'll see you later, Kahl."

"Yeah, later dude." Kyle said, walking out the door.

Kyle thought over the events at Cartman's house, and had to admit that for the first time in a long while, he enjoyed hanging out with Cartman. No matter how awkward it felt.

* * *

As soon as Kyle arrived home, his mother greeted him immediately.

"Where have you been, Kyle? Your father and I have been worried sick!" His mother said, giving him a bear hug.

"I've been at Cartman's house. We had more work I expected," Kyle responded.

"Kyle?! Kyle?! Is that you?! Oh, thank goodness!" His father's voice cried from the next room. He rushed up to Kyle. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"He's been at Cartman's house, honey. They were up late working on a science project." His mother answered.

"Oh, is that all? Geez, Kyle! You have me thinking someone kidnapped you or something. Don't forget to call us if you're staying later than expected next time. You'll give us a heart attack."

"Understood, dad." Kyle said. "Now, if it's okay with you guys, I'm a bit tired and just want to go to bed."

"But what about dinner? Have you eaten, Kyle?" His mother asked, worriedly.

"No, but that's okay. I'm not very hungry," Kyle said honestly, yawning.

"Nonsense, bubbe. No child of mine will go without food," his mother said, already going to the kitchen to fetch him so food.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kyle headed up to his room and put down his things. He reached into his backpack to get his books out since he never quite got to his homework and was shocked to find a small bag of cheesy poofs there.

"That son of a bitch…" Kyle said, shaking his head and grinning. He guessed that Cartman must've figured out that he hadn't eaten dinner either, given that he spent a lot of time over at Cartman's.

He opened the bag of cheesy poofs and started eating them while proceeding to work on his homework. He looked at the clock. 11:30p.m.

His mom came up the stairs and brought him some kosher food and a cold glass of lemonade.

"Good night, bubbe," His mother said, kissing him goodnight. "Don't stay up too late. You need lots of sleep so that you do well on all your assignments tomorrow."

"Okay, mom," Kyle replied, watching her leave the room.

Kyle had to say that all in all, it wasn't a bad day.

* * *

Cartman's mother arrived at home at around midnight. By then, Cartman was already in bed, but got up as soon as he heard the door open downstairs.

"MEHM?" Cartman called out, a bit hesitantly.

"Yes, sweetie?" She asked.

Cartman rushed downstairs and hugged his mother. "Mehm, I've missed you so much!" he exclaimed.

His mother was shocked at this display of affection, but little did she know, it was all a part of Eric Cartman's tactic—a little tactic that he'd like to call buttering up.

His mother laughed. "Oh, what's gotten into you, Eric?" she asked.

"You're the greatest mom ever and I like, was scared you wouldn't come home." Cartman said, sweetly.

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Would you like me to make you something, poopsikins?"

"Could you maybe make me some Salisbury steak?"

"Oh, honey, it's so late. Are you sure you want that?"

"Well, it's just I've been eating cheesy poofs for two days and a friend of mine said it wasn't nutritious and I've been so hungry, mommy." Eric replied.

His mother immediately fell for it. "Okay, sweetie. I'll cook you some Salisbury steak right away."

"Thanks mehm." Eric said, smiling happily.

His mother, clueless as ever, smiled back.

"And can we maybe have dinner together. You know, to talk and bond like other families do?" Eric questioned, already knowing her response.

"Of course, Eric. It's the least I can do for being gone for so long."

"Gee, thanks, mehm." Eric responded. _'Perfect…'_ he thought evilly.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** What does Cartman have planned up his sleeve to make his mother comply with his wishes? And how will Kyle and Cartman's relationship continue from here? Stay tuned for the next chap! Some funny stuff happening there! XD


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